A Conversation with 14-Year-Old Me

Today I am inspired to share something in this space. Yesterday afternoon, while catching up on blogs, I came across this lovely interview with Amanda de Cadenet, who hosts a show called The Conversation, and I was so intrigued by Amanda and the premise of the show that I decided to check it out. Several hours later, I'd watched the entire season and felt so glad that I did. I felt like I'd just had an epic conversation with some of the most amazing women (Gwenyth Paltrow, Jane Fonda, Alicia Keys, the list goes on), women who have gotten through the wilderness, so to speak, and have so much to share about lessons they've learned and how they've come to love themselves and love life. And my favorite part of each episode was when Amanda would ask each subject what she would say to her 14-year-old self if she had the opportunity. What's beautiful about asking this question of an adult woman is that she's most likely at a place where the pain of adolescence seems so pointless and all she wants to do is heal that girl she was and have her know that everything's going to be ok. But what do you say to get her there? How can you help her without altering her path? I woke up this morning with those questions on my mind and decided to go through the exercise, and, woah, by the end of my list I was crying (in a good way). What was surprising to me, what I totally didn't expect was that I really needed to hear all of this as an adult. All of the wisdom I'd accumulated over the years hadn't reached my heart yet. I needed to say it to myself, I needed to write it down.

So, here's my list. I'd love it if you'd share your own in the comments...
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Despite whatever insecurities and weight issues you have right now, you will feel beautiful one day and people who are worthy of your friendship and love will tell you that you’re beautiful.

You are an artist who hasn’t found her medium. Try different things, explore, don’t be stopped by failures, and don’t ever think you’re not worthy.

You will fall in love one day (more than once), you’ll know what that feels like, just not anytime soon. But when it does happen, it won’t be the solution to all of your problems and it shouldn’t be. So don’t waste time waiting to be rescued!! Instead, spend this time figuring out how to rescue yourself.

When you’re older, you’ll discover that the coolest people are those who don’t twist themselves into pretzels trying to be something they’re not. So, be who you are, like what you like, and you will feel cool one day. Trust me on this one.

Take it easy on mom. You are the center of her world, and her absolute unconditional love for you will be the one constant in your life and it will get you through your darkest days. You are lucky to be loved so fiercely.

Low on Words

Photo taken with my new Mamiya 645 Super, the latest addition to my vintage camera collection (and the last for a while). Film: Fuji Pro 400 H

The rest of September is going to be a bear at work, so I'll be low on words for the rest of the month. I'll try to stop in here and there, but nothing as heavy as the last post for a while...

Life After 30

Photo: A little birthday gift from Anthropologie. The text on the envelope says "What's in the stars for you, Capricorn?"

A little over a month ago I turned 30. I don't usually make much of milestone birthdays, but I must admit I've been feeling a bit out of sorts ever since I hit that big 3-0. When I look at my life and the path that I'm on, it's just not where I thought I'd be at this age. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot that's good in my life and a lot to be thankful for, but I still feel a bit rudderless, constantly waiting for something to knock me back on course. But time is moving quickly, and the years keep ticking by. Time to stop waiting for some external something to swoop in and make everything exactly as it should be. I've got to stop running from the work I know has to be done. I think for me, right now, it boils down to two things:

1. Get my financial house in order. It's really time to stop playing. I'm pretty sure that just about everything in my life would be more enjoyable if I had a better relationship with money. My goal is not a giant house or a lot of extravagant things; quite the opposite actually. I'm just tired of money being an anxiety, a worry, an obstacle to just about everything I want to do. And it's not that I don't have enough of it; I just don't use it wisely. Time to fix that.

2. Enjoy life for what it is right now, not just for what it can be. I think part of the reason this birthday was so hard for me was because when things were at their worst in my late teens and 20s, I looked to the later years for the dream, the fantasy of what my life could be. I basically set myself up to be disappointed when I got here. But honestly, looking back at those dreams, I'm not sure I want that life. I'm a different person now and I like this me. But I don't want to just start projecting into the future, dreaming of what this new me could be in her late 30s, her 40s, etc, without paying any attention to who I am right now. Made that mistake already. And they are only dreams after all, golden nuggets completely devoid of the mundane, the bad times, the disappointments, the stuff of everyday life; how can putting total faith in them not set you up for some sort of letdown?! Not to say that dreams and goals aren't important, but I truly believe that a life spent looking entirely forward, always outward from the present moment, isn't much of a life. You have to find some joy and some purpose in what your life is right now, even if it's not exactly what you want or exactly what you thought it would be.

Whew! That was longer than I expected, but there it is. I know this post is out of the ordinary for this space, but feeling the way I do right now, I think it's important for me to move forward with an intention and this is it.